The relentless heartache of deployment:
It’s been two months since Adam’s been gone and it still feels as difficult as the first day without him. It’s not a sharp pain, though, it’s more of a dull, aching, relentless longing. At times it can be more urgent, other times numbing, but it is ALWAYS eclipsed by the complete joy and hope I have for our love and our future.
I am so thankful for Adam, for the love he constantly expresses to me, for teaching me how to begin, for teaching me how to love completely and without fear. I follow his lead most of the time; he’s so quick to jump with both feet in. Me, I’m a little more cautious, not out of fear or doubt, but simply out of naivete. I look at this love with big bright eyes, trying to dissect, trying to comprehend its vastness, not quite ever wrapping my head around it.
I want everything of him, every single part. I want to give everything I have in return. I have complete faith and trust in us, in him, in our future, in our love. It is bigger than the both of us, surprising how it’s so involuntary, as if we have no control, we merely exist within it. It just IS. We just ARE.
When he first offered up his love so passionately, so urgently, I was skeptical. How could he know with such certainty that I was the one he wanted? I never questioned him out of doubt or distrust, but rather out of a genuine curiosity, an intrigue for his absolute resolve. I am so happy that he wasn’t swayed by my countless questions, that he instead stood unflinched.
He has taught me so much in so little time… I really look up to him. I am so lucky, so thankful, so blessed to have him in my life. It is so unbelievable that I laugh out loud. It is so humbling that I am silent. It is so pure that I am moved to tears.
I know there is a reason for him to be over there, but it’s so hard to see our government floundering about. I guess for my own selfish reasons, I HAVE to believe he is there for a reason, to know there is a cause worth fighting for, to realize that our sacrifices are not in vain.
I hate that he is over there, I hate that he is working so hard, so long, in a strange and distant land, worlds away from family and loved ones, with limited resources, without the comforts of home. And for what? To save a world we might have no business saving? A world that does not welcome our help but rages against it? There are too many problems here at home, why can’t we take care of our own before saving the rest of the world? Who ever said it was our responsibility? Who made up that rule?
The bottom line is I am not allowed to ask these questions because it would only undermine his purpose for being there. And I can’t do that. I have to believe that he is working towards something worthwhile.
I miss him terribly, terribly. My heart is heavy, yet at the same time so empty. How can that be?
But always, always. He is the radiant light amidst all this darkness.